


Crawling Back To You

by flowercrownmikey



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: AU 1D break up, Angst, Break Up, Fluff (minimal), From teenagers to adults, Hurt, Life Story through the years, Love, M/M, Not real, OT5 friendship at first, Pining, Sexual Content, Smut, Some Zayn/Perrie, This... I am sorry, Unrequited Love, larry stylinson - Freeform, x factor - Freeform, zayn leaves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-26
Updated: 2016-03-26
Packaged: 2018-05-29 06:21:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6362980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowercrownmikey/pseuds/flowercrownmikey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five times that lead to the crumbling and eventual break-up of One Direction.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crawling Back To You

**Author's Note:**

> THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION.  
> I pray to god the boys are all friends, but overall I hope they are happy. Even Zayn. This is purely a work of fiction that originally was going to be a 5+1 but I ended up writing it so that the +1 couldn't be added. Either way, I hope you enjoy :)))
> 
> Requests are accepted on Wattpad (smilecarlile). 
> 
> Also all mistakes are mine but I checked and I don't think there's many.

**o n e**

The first time is happened, Harry was more than willing but definitely not prepared. They'd all been drinking, Harry was beyond wasted and the boys were all quickly catching up to him. They'd just decided to meet up in Niall's hotel room, buy some cheap whiskey and drink the night away because they figured that was a good way to spend their night off.

"Let's play gay chicken." It wasn't the first time Niall had drunkenly suggested a game like that. At first, Harry thought Niall was hiding something but then he realised Niall just liked to watch the boys freak out when they almost touch each other's dicks or god forbid, kissed. Gay chicken was a game Harry had played only once before, it had been his first kiss with a boy called Daniel and Harry had been the chicken, pulling away when Daniels hand slid up his thigh as their lips moved against each other's. Maybe Harry had to thank the game for figuring out that he was bisexual in his young teenage years. Something the boys, despite being a band for almost a year, didn't know.

"Sure," Zayn agreed. "Not it."

A loud outburst of 'Not it!' followed Zayn's statement, Harry just blinking at all the chaos and unknowingly swaying.

"Hazza, sweetheart, it's you and..." Niall patted Harry's thigh and looked at the other boys expectantly. Zayn looked at Liam, who looked at Louis and Louis just sighed, shuffling forward until his knees touched Harry's. "Louis. 'Atta boy."

Louis and Harry had some sort of bromance going on at the time, the fans deeming them Larry Stylinson and proclaiming they were in love. Harry thought they had a pretty good friendship, really. Louis smiled at him, patting his knee and looking towards Niall. Harry giggled, giddily bouncing where he sat and then stilling. He was so drunk.

"What're the rules?" Louis asked, innocently raising an eyebrow.

"Uh," Niall obviously hadn't thought about it. "Just lean in to kiss and if it goes further than that, start touching until one of you pulls away. Simple."

"The person who loses has to lick the winners foot." Liam added and Louis cringed. Harry just giggled again, he was the secret bisexual, he wouldn't be the one pulling away first. Louis was always talking about hot girls, or pretty fans or making jokes about Harry's sister. Louis would pull away, Harry was sure of it.

"Alright," Louis muttered, placing his hands on Harry's knees. Harry blinked at him before smiling and tilting his head. "You're so drunk." Louis laughed.

"No need for small talk. Lean in." Niall got out his phone, clutching it ready to take a photo if they actually kissed and grinning ear to ear at the boys. Louis sighed, making eye contact with Harry as they both began to move in. Harry's eyes twinkled.

"Why're you so smiley?" Louis asked him, still leaning forward slowly. Their heads were getting closer, but nowhere near enough to kiss.

"'Cause I'm gunna win." Harry slurred, winking and giggling. He could see how long Louis' eyelashes were now, surrounding his bright blue eyes and brushing his cheeks when he blinked. It was pretty.

"Is that so?" Louis asked. Harry just nodded sloppily, pushing his fringe out of his face with his hand and then dropping it onto Louis' leg. He hummed, still keeping his head slightly tilted. Their faces got closer, Niall getting louder as they did and Zayn and Liam complaining at him to quieten down. Soon enough, their noses were bumping and they were staring into each other's eyes, a wide smile on Harry's lips because no way would he lose this game. Louis was fit and Harry was into boys, Harry wouldn't need to pull away.

"Keep going or pull away. Those are the rules." Liam reminded, seeing they'd both stopped moving. Louis looked slightly panicked. Harry giggled, pushing his nose into Louis' to tell him that there was no chance of Harry moving away. "Think of girls." Liam laughed before their lips were joining. Louis closed his eyes suddenly and Harry knew he was thinking of a girl, Harry closed his eyes and pretended to do the same but all he could think of were Louis' bright eyes and the feel of his lips. They moved against each other slowly, barely catching each other's lips before Louis was pressing in slightly, moulding them together.

Harry could hear Niall's chant of "oh my god, oh my god." He was suddenly giggling, keeping his lips against Louis' mouth but trying not to let his laugh affect the kiss. Louis began to smile.

"Ni, stop! You're making them laugh!" Liam must've put a hand over his mouth or something because everything went silent again, only the sound of lips smacking together filling the hotel room. Louis squeezed Harry's knees, beginning to move his hands slowly up Harry's legs. Harry wouldn't pull away this time, he was seventeen now, he'd been touched by a boy before and this was nothing new. Harry put his hands on Louis' shoulders, he was going to make Louis pull away whether the older boy wanted to win or not. Harry angled his body forward, leaning over Louis legs but keeping their lips moving tightly against each other. He slipped his tongue over Louis' bottom lip as his hands dropped onto Louis toned chest. Harry sort of wished he wasn't wearing a shirt.

"Let's place bets. Quick! Zayn I bet you twenty quid Louis pulls away first." Harry heard Niall's voice followed by Zayns laugh.

"Alright, Louis if you win I'll give you half." Louis' hands moved faster up Harry's legs and Harry realised he had to work fast. He dropped his hands to Louis' stomach and around to his hips, squeezing and licked over Louis' bottom lip again. When hands touched Harry's inner thigh, Harry slipped his hand under Louis' shirt and played with the band of Louis' sweatpants.

"They're gunna pull away soon." Harry heard Liam's voice and it gave him the confidence that one of them, hopefully Louis, looked ready to pull away. Harry ran his tongue over Louis' lips again, parting Louis' mouth slightly and humming as he flicked the elastic of Louis' sweats against his hip.

"Nah, they look into it." Louis pulled away so suddenly that Harry fell forwards with a grunt and a loud whine. Harry looked up as Louis wiped his mouth and- okay, ow. Harry's mouth didn't taste that bad surely.

"I won! Suck on that!" Harry cried, lifting his arms into a sort of cheer stance. He knew he'd win. Who'd pull away from someone as fit as Louis Tomlinson? "Zayn you owe Niall twenty quid. I told you I'd win!" Harry leant bad, his head against the bed and a smile on his face. He won, and he got to make out with someone hot. Definitely a good time.

Liam stared at Harry, a confused look on his face before he was shaken out of it by Zayn grumbling about money. Louis stood up, walking to the door of the hotel room and stepping out. The door closed behind him and the boys went silent, all nervously glancing to Harry.

"Should I...?" Harry asked, glancing to the door and then back at the boys for support. Louis probably felt weird now. They had to talk. It's not every day a straight guy has to make out with another guy and not feel weird about it. Liam nodded at Harry and the drunk boy quickly stood up, stumbling before catching himself and following Louis out of the door. He closed the door to Niall's hotel room before spinning around, seeing Louis leaning against the wall opposite him. He paused in his step.

"I thought you'd chase me." Louis told him, and then he stepped forward, caging Harry in and pressing his lips against Harry's again. Harry froze, because this wasn't the game. This was real. Louis was kissing him, _for real._ Harry kissed back, letting Louis press him into the door of the room all the boys were in, the handle pressing awkwardly against his back as Louis' hands gripped onto his thighs. Louis kept their lips together as he pulled Harry away from the door and over to his own hotel room on their floor. He unlocked it, not once pulling his tongue out of Harry's mouth and then pushed the younger boy into the room. Louis slammed the door closed behind them and started undressing Harry. Harry was more than willing the first time, he was sure Louis wanted him and he definitely wasn't going to object when there were hands pressing at him and Louis was showing him more of his fit body as he undressed.

That night, when they lay in Louis' bed, completely naked and covered in a layer of sweat with his virginity gone, Harry didn't want to say but he thought he and Louis had a future now, they were in the band together, Harry was already falling for him and his gorgeous eyes and now they'd made love and that would've been it.

"You should go," Louis croaked and Harry looked over at him, covering his body with the blankets with a stone cold look on his face. Harry's smile dropped.

"What?" Harry's voice was small.

"This didn't happen. You need to leave. Get out of my room, Harry!" Louis looked away as Harry fumbled and pulled his clothes on with a heartbroken look on his face. Louis didn't even look at Harry as he ran out of the room with his tshirt in his hands and a tear running down one of his cheeks.

Harry ran down the corridor to his own room, the one right on the end and fumbled to unlock it with the key card in his pocket. He only let himself sob when he was alone in the comfort of his own room and the door was tightly closed behind him. Harry cancelled the next days show and refused to let anyone in the room until they had to go to the next state. If the boys knew anything they didn't state it aloud.

Louis and Harry didn't speak for a month and their friendship didn't return for another five.

**t w o**

The second time, was when Harry was almost nineteen and they were trapped in an airplane together. Harry partly blames himself for this one, that much he has to admit. The band were getting big, and he was going through a dry spell. Niall, that fucking ray of sunshine, somehow managed to pick up on it.

"You seem tense, Haz?" Niall stretched over his seat, getting into Harry's personal space despite them having a lot of room. They had a _private jet_ for fuck sake, Harry couldn't believe his own life. "You not been getting laid lately?"

"Oh fuck right off." Harry answered, his tone a little too sassy to be just playful. Niall laughed despite him, leaning back into his own chair. Harry un-clipped his seat belt and slouched down. "Is it that obvious?" He whined. He couldn't just outright go into a club and say, hey mate, girl, who the fuck ever, yeah I'm Harry Styles from the biggest boy band in the world, let's fuck. No, that would ruin his _image_ , apparently.

Harry had needs, believe it or not.

"Mate, if your so god damn desperate, why don't you just hit up Nick Grimshaw?" Liam asked from his own seat several paces in front of where Harry and Niall sat. Harry wasn't aware that Liam could even hear him. That probably meant everyone on the jet could hear him. Everybody now knew that Harry Styles was going through a dry spell. Just. Great.

"I'm not desperate, Liam!" Harry yelled over. "I'm mildly irritated." He huffed, slouching in his chair further.

"Jesus Harry, I hope you're not this bad when we get to LA." Niall laughed again. His laugh was also mildly irritating but so was everything to Harry lately. He'd gotten so used to fucking around with Nick and that other model (Harry had just called her babe because he was too embarrassed to ask for her name _again_ ,) that he'd gotten used to regular sex when they were in the UK. They left the UK months ago to tour the world, and Harry is happy about that, he's ecstatic, but he needs _something_.

Harry settled back in his chair properly again, opening his bag and getting out a banana, peeling it before beginning to eat it. When he looked forward again, he made eye contact with Louis, who was leaning over the back of his seat, his hair flopping over his forehead as he kept his intense stare set on Harry. Harry pulled the banana away from his mouth, because eye contact was just wrong when eating something remotely dick shaped, and raised one messy eyebrow. Harry hadn't really bothered for personal grooming this morning, too tired from waking up early from the flight.

Louis raised an eyebrow back, as if they were having some sort of silent conversation that Harry couldn't understand. Louis' face scrunched up and Harry took another bite of his banana, watching the eyebrow raise again. Harry shrugged at him because _what_?

"You know what you need?" Niall's voice was back again. Harry turned to him, keeping Louis' face in the corner of his eye because Louis wasn't turning away from him. "One of those weird expensive sex dolls."

Alright. What?

"What the fuck, Niall?" Zayn's voice came from the back of the room, towards the bathroom area they all shared. They all turned to look at him in sync. Zayn pointedly looked Harry up and down. "He's not even brushed his fucking hair today and I guarantee ninety percent of the population would hop on his dick."

Harry's chest puffed out, his eyes lighting up as he and Zayn caught eye contact again. Harry with a grateful smile. Harry then turned to Niall, poking his chest with a sharp jab.

" _That_ ," Harry looked at Zayn again. "That is the support I need in a friendship." Harry took a sharp bite of the banana, leaning back into his seat with a smug smile of his face. He was hot as fuck. He looked back to Louis and Liam then, seeing them both hanging over the back of their chairs. Harry took another bite of the banana before scrunching up the peel in his hand. "I'm going to piss." He announced, a choke sound falling from Liam because of his language. Harry was usually gentlemanly, but he didn't have to be around the boys. The boys were all the same around him too, they spent too much time together not to get to that certain level of friendship.

"I'll come with you," Louis announced and Harry paused from where he stood up. Because. Okay? "I need to talk to you anyway." Harry could accept that. It's not like they hadn't all seen each other naked before anyway, there was a certain level of nudity in the band. Again, something about them all being together almost all of the time. Harry walked to the back of the room, feeling the plane moving underneath his feet but he was used to it now. He fist bumped Zayn as he walked past him, still not over his comment, before finally sliding open the door the bathroom and stepping in.

It wasn't a usual plane bathroom, there was a significant amount of room, a sink and a small shower in case they were really desperate. It wasn't a bad bathroom, not exactly luxury, but not bad.

Louis walked in just as Harry was undoing his jeans in front of the toilet, flicking his hair out of his face with a quick turn of the head. Louis slid the door closed behind him, turning the little bit of metal to lock it. Harry shifted his jeans, pulling out his manhood and beginning to relieve himself. The sound was loud in the quiet room and despite telling himself that this wasn't awkward, it was. Harry spoke to try and remove some of the pressure.

"So what did you want to talk about?" Harry asked.

"You remember that one time..." Louis started quietly, drifting off and Harry could just picture him, shaking his head with his eyelashes fluttering as he pursed his lips. "You're going through a dry spell right?"

"Jesus, it's not even a big deal."

"No, I know that." Louis muttered. "But, I'm not saying I'm like, _gay_ or anything okay? But I could like, help you out? Just this once."

 _"What?"_ Harry spluttered over his words, lucky he'd finished pissing when he turned away, dick still limp in his hand as he gawped at Louis. _At Louis_. "What?" Harry repeated, drawing his words out a little more. He noticed Louis glance down at his cock before looking back at his face, not meeting his eyes.

_I'm not saying I'm like, gay or anything._

The words echoed in Harry's mind because what the fuck. Harry obviously had a dick, Louis could fucking see it. Louis was actually insane. Okay, so there was one other time, just one, that they'd slept together and it had emotionally wrecked Harry in a way. He'd been affected for a while but he'd locked it away god dammit, he hadn't needed to think about it until now, and Louis was still looking at his fucking dick.

"I'm not gay." Louis defended.

"No, no, I got that part."

"Look, whatever, Harry." Louis sighed, flicked the lock to unlock the door again. He turned back to Harry then. "I just thought it'd be helping you out. Whatever, though." He began sliding open the door and got it halfway, Zayn's face popping into view before Harry rushed forward, pulling his shirt down over his exposed dick and pushing Louis out of the way of the door. He sent Zayn a tight lipped smile before slamming the door again, the sound of the door hitting the plastic frame echoing through the small bathroom. Harry flicked the lock.

"How do you wanna do this?" He asked. Louis kept a business face, unzipped his pants and pulled the toilet lid down, sitting on it. "Classy, I like it." Harry commented.

"Fast," Louis started. "No string attached. I'll sit here and you'll get us both of. I'm topping, obviously. Do your worst." Harry could work with that. He was desperate. Just desperate and full of teenage hormones and he needed it. He needed something. "Prep yourself, my hand isn't going near your ass."

Louis had prepped him that stupid time when the band was in its early stages, but Harry didn't bring that up, because the look on Louis' face told Harry that he could remember it anyway.

"You think I need fucking prep?" Harry laughed, shrugging his jeans down. "I've been sexually repressed for the past three months. I'm fucking ready."

Louis just held his arms out, as if to say come at it. Harry pulled his boxers down then, quickly side stepping them.

"And for fuck sake Harry," Louis spat. "Be _quiet_." Harry thought about their first time again, how loud he was. Louis definitely hadn't forgotten then. Louis edged down the top of his jeans and then his boxers, pulling his cock out easily, half hard but Harry didn't question that. Just dropped to his knees and got to work at making Louis rock solid. Harry could give a good blowjob. When Louis was hard, Harry spat on his dick and then his own fingers, pressing them around his hole before dipping two in, making sure he could take it. Harry was so in need of this.

Louis tilted his head back, closed his eyes and Harry ignored it, bracketing his thighs and lining them up together. He put a firm hand around Louis' cock, guiding it to his hole before letting it press against it and finally, push the tip in. Harry took his hand away, his deep breaths matching Louis' before he finally let himself slip down in one deep movement.

"Fuck, I needed this." Harry muttered to himself. Louis hummed but didn't open his eyes.

"Couldn't deal with your cranky fucking attitude any longer, I've got a dick, figured I may as well make the seventeen hour flight easy for us." Because yes, they were only four hours in. Harry could understand that logic. Harry bracketed his arms around Louis' shoulders, pressing his hands against the wall behind them. The metal wall. It only reminded Harry that they were on a moving plane right now. Harry pulled up, dropping back down, his thighs clenching as he worked himself. Harry began to bounce, the slick sound driving him insane. He could hear the boys chatter outside, occasionally one of them speaking louder than the others, he could hear the engines going, the drip from the tap of the sink next to them. Louis' clipped fucking breathing.

He looked at Louis' face as he continued to bounce, biting his lip to keep himself completely silent. Louis was doing the same thing, eyes clenched shut as if he was picturing Harry as some female model or something. Nose scrunched up and long eye lashes fanning his cheeks. He was sucking his mouth in, making his cheekbones get more prominent and Harry slowed as he wondered what the fuck he was doing.

Why would he do this to himself again, when last time had fucked with his head so much that Liam had offered to buy him therapy for christ's sake, and he didn't even know what was wrong with Harry, because Harry and Louis didn't bring it up. Why would he do this again?

"Fuck, I'm a whore." The revelation was so sudden that he'd said it out loud, his eyes going wide as Louis' snapped open. Harry didn't stop bouncing, didn't stop even though his thighs burned. Maybe Harry really did need that therapy.

"That's what you're into now? Somebody calling you a whore?" Louis' tone wasn't seductive or sexy, just his usual with a little breathless mixed in.

"No," Harry clipped. "It was just a thought. I mean, I am having sex with you again."

Again. The word hung in the air and Louis tightly squeezed his eyes shut. That was the end of their mid sex conversation then. Harry bounced harder, leaning side ways to angle right into his prostrate, unable to help the little 'uh' that escaped his mouth because he was only human. Louis' hand went over his mouth then, the only bit of contact Harry would actually get from him. Harry bounced harder, faster, studying Louis' face as he did.

"Can you, like, stop staring at me?"

Harry didn't miss a beat. "I think you needed this more than I did." He got Louis' attention then, his blue eyes meeting with Harry's. Louis raised an eyebrow as Harry pushed his sweaty hair out of his face, just grinding instead of bouncing.

"Now what would make you think that?"

"Something tight around your cock, gotta be good for you too, right? Not just a me thing. Why would you want to do me a charitable favor, hm? You gotta-" Harry bounced again, slamming down so his dick bounced against Louis' stomach. Harry watched Louis' mouth pop open, his eyes flutter before they were focused on Harry again. "I was gagging for it but at least I admitted it instead of making some scheme to fuck my mate."

"Some scheme?" Louis laughed breathlessly, his hips banging upwards and slamming into Harry.

"Ah, fuck." Harry whispered, Louis repeating the action.

"You made the choice Harry. I just put the option out there. I'm not even gay."

"A hole is a hole though, right?" Harry shook his head, a disbelieving smile on his face. Louis stuttered something incoherent as they both moved in sync. Harry wrapped his hand around his dick, close, and began to pull, trying to keep bouncing at the same time. Harry leant his head down on Louis' shoulder, grinding instead. The slick noises were getting obscene.

"That is just disgusting. How can you do shit like this." Louis muttered. Harry looked up, seeing Louis staring at the hand quickly working over his own cock and then at Harry's ass, just taking it, taking everything he was given. Harry made a grunting noise under his breath.

"If its so disgusting, take your fucking eyes away from it." Harry snapped. Louis didn't. A few minutes later, Harry came, Louis closely following. When it was over, they both got dressed in silence, Harry fixing his hair in the mirror and patting his face with toilet paper. He splashed some cold water on his lips, making them less swollen and then looked at Louis. Louis wasn't looking at him, couldn't, just like that other time.

Harry knew it. He fucking _knew_ it. He could already feel his seventeen year old self trying to push through, trying to make him cry again because Louis didn't want him. Louis could fuck him, but he didn't want him because Louis wasn't gay.

"This didn't happen." Louis spoke quietly, a sharp edge to his tone. "It won't happen again, either."

Harry pursed his lips, pushed his younger self and the tears completely out of his mind and squared his shoulders. "You're a scared little boy, you know that, Louis?"

"Scared of what?" Louis looked him in the eye and Harry didn't know at the time time, but it would be the last time Louis and he made eye contact for a solid four months.

"Of yourself. Of your own sexuality-" Louis gritted his teeth and pushed Harry away from the door, his legs clenching with need to get out of the small room. They'd really made a mistake. Again. Fucking _again_. Harry wanted to gauge out his eyes.

"I am not gay." Louis hissed. "I'm not into guys, I like girls. I _fuck_ girls. Being gay is fine but I'm not it. I'm straight, okay?! Get that into your thick fucking skull." Louis turned the lock quickly, slamming opening the door so fiercely that Harry could see Zayn startle and drop a paint brush onto the floor. Louis stomped to his seat, Harry slamming the bathroom door and following him. He cornered Louis right as he sat down, feeling the three pairs of eyes that were watching him. He leant down to Louis' ear, whispering so not even Liam in the next seat over could hear him.

"You are the biggest fucking coward I know, and I hope you die alone when everyone else in the world realizes that too." It was a low blow but Harry just wanted Louis to feel even a pinch of the pain that he was putting Harry through. Louis didn't meet his eye, he just pushed Harry's face away from himself and stood up. Harry couldn't believe how stupid he'd been.

Liam must've seen something in them that told him they weren't playing around this time because he stood up too, standing so he cut off half of Louis' torso and curiously looking between the two of them like Zayn and Niall were also doing. Harry took a step back, silently telling Liam that they weren't about to break into some huge fight in the middle of their jet even though Harry wanted to. Harry wasn't usually violent.

"Stay away from me, Louis. I mean it." Harry said evenly.

"Woah." He heard Niall mutter quietly. Harry would've laughed if he weren't so... emotional.

"Gladly." Louis replied and Liam started to whisper into his ear then, probably wondering what the hell was happening. Harry went back to his own seat and made it recline, throwing his hoodie over his face. They had at less thirteen hours left on the flight and Harry knew he'd made a mistake, really, it was mostly his fault. That didn't stop him getting emotional though. He told himself it was his fault, he wasn't aloud to cry, but when he heard Louis laughing with Liam; _laughing_ , he sucked his lips into his mouth, probably made the ugliest face in the world, and let the tears well up in his eyes.

They didn't speak for another five months, and even then, the friendship was a strain. Harry told himself to look on the bright side, because pretending to be great friends with Louis in the eye of the public had made him a brilliant actor.

**t h r e e**

The third time, Louis managed to get into his head. He was on the verge of turning the big two-oh. Twenty. Whatever. No big deal. Except it was, because Harry wouldn't be a teenager anymore. It was an unlikely thing nowadays, with the boys clashing sometimes, but they'd all met up in Liam and Louis' shared hotel room to talk about the tour and get high together, just to let loose. Harry ran his hands through his still wet hair, his iPhone buzzing on his nightstand with Zayn's name flashing across the screen. He'd be there soon goddammit! He knew he was late.

He pulled on sweats and a plain white t-shirt, praying that there were no fans roaming the halls as he grabbed his phone and slipped out of the hotel room. His door automatically looked and he began walking down the hall towards the stairs. As he was walking down said stairs, his phone began to vibrate again. Harry pulled it out with a sigh and glanced at the name. _Ellie From Mdst_ flashed across the screen. Harry clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth before pressing answer.

"What've I done now, dearest Ellie?" Ellie was a married woman with beautiful children and an older (but still drool worthy) rich husband who'd she once been a sugar baby to before falling in love. He got her the dream job of being a manager from people on the front of magazine, Harry Styles included. Ellie was probably the only person from management that Harry was close with.

"Alright, so keep up with me on this." Ellie was slightly breathless. Harry opened the door to the corridor, beginning to walk the few paces down it to Liam's room. "You were out as bisexual at high school, weren't you?" Harry paused in his step. This was not good. Ellie knew this already, she knew everything just in case it was brought up or found out and Harry needed a quick helping hand to get him out of something. He knocked on Liam's door, Zayn immediately flinging it open. Harry held up the 'one minute' gesture and walked into the room.

"Yeah." Harry answered timidly.

"I'm not scolding you Harry, I'm trying to fix this. We've already had to pay off seven media companies."

"Fix what? Someone from my high school said something? Their word against mine, isn't it?" Harry smiled at Liam and Niall cuddled up on Liam's bed, glancing at Louis but saying nothing. He sat against the wall, bending his legs.

"Harry, there's a photo." Oh. _Oh_. "It's not that its really incriminating, you could just be dicking around for all anyone knows, but-" Ellie tried to soothe him, hearing his hitch of breath.

He was so careful to keep one little thing to himself, he didn't really have secrets from the fans and it wasn't heard to work out that Harry wasn't into girls- he gave them clues, but this was the one thing that he kept a mystery, to keep himself sane. Everyone in the world didn't need to know everything. He was allowed secrets.

"What," Harry cleared his throat and he could hear Ellie sigh.

"Sweetheart, it's alright. We're covering tracks as we speak, trying to find a look-alike of this boy so we can say it was him, okay?" Harry hummed absentmindedly. He pulled the phone away from his ear, putting it on loud speaker even though Ellie was his personal manager because they knew everything about him anyway. He immediately went to the twitter app. "You're going to look at it, aren't you?"

"Know your enemy." Harry muttered, hearing Ellie laugh and the clicking of laptop keys. "What're you doing?" He asked her.

"I'll be honest, okay? I'm currently arguing over email with someone from the sun, trying to convince them that a photo of you that's been leaked isn't actually you. They're demanding a name or they're going to run the story." Harry went onto the world trends, seeing his name second one down. _We Support You Harry_. He already knew they'd support him no matter what, but the trend was sweet. He clicked onto it.

"How incriminating can one photo be-..." Harry cut himself off as he caught eyes of the photo, a fan above typing random capital letters. Harry clicked on it, hearing Ellie sigh. "Uh...yeah, that's definitely me."

His ex boyfriend, Josh, from high school, the one who'd helped him come out in school and told him he was perfect and great even though Harry was highly insecure back then. They'd dated up until a month before the X Factor auditions.  Harry gently slammed his head against the wall, the picture still staring back at him on the screen.

"I was afraid of that." Ellie muttered. "Some of them know his name, Harry. Your fans are better at hacking into shit than some top FBI agents."

"So what are the options I have here. Go to an interview and claim that yeah, I used to look exactly like that, and also that boy went to my high school. I happen to have a gay twin?"

"He looks like a twink." Ellie muttered and she must've been looking at the picture too. Harry clicked off twitter.

"He was lovely but that is so far from the point of this conversation." He clicked back on her name, taking it off loud speaker and putting the phone to his ear. "I'm surprised it took three years for them to find it anyway, to be honest. Just... I'm hanging out with the boys tonight so we can talk tomorrow, yeah? Do damage control and I'll get a flight out there to give you my personal gratitude."

"How?" She asked, obviously hearing the flirtation in his tone. Harry laughed and shook his head. He really shouldn't flirt with everyone, it had become a problem quite some time ago.

"I don't know, I'll get you a gucci purse or something."

"That, Styles, is why I work with you." Harry gave that charming grin he had, dimples and all, even though he knew she couldn't see him before hanging up the phone. Harry huffed, letting Niall slide down the wall beside him. Harry leaned into him, opening twitter again and showing Niall the picture.

Niall studied it, his eyes raking over every detail. "I know this is serious," Niall started. "But look how cute you are." He gushed. Harry pulled away from him because jesus, Niall couldn't ever be serious. Harry huffed, looking at Liam's bed where the two boys sat before going over and sitting next to Louis. Louis took his phone out of his hand as soon as he sat down, studying the picture too whilst Harry pouted in no general direction. Suddenly Niall was in front of him again, a lit joint in his hand. "All for you, you stress head." Harry wordlessly took it from him, taking in a long drag and leaning back into Louis' bed. His phone was put on Louis' bed side table, locked, and Harry continued to smoke, getting under the bed covers and lying down properly.

Half an hour later, Louis had also gotten under the covers and another blunt was being passed between the two of them. Liam, Niall and Zayn were all ahead, more than buzzed and laughing around. Suddenly, Harry heard a yell and he looked, seeing Zayn being pulled away from Liam.

"Did you guys just kiss?" Louis asked from beside him. Harry's eyes widened comically.

" _Zayn_ kissed _me_." Liam clarified.

"If anyone in this room should be getting lip action from another guy, it should be me. Don't steal my limelight, Malik." Harry grumbled. Zayn looked at him then, made proper eye contact and walked around Liam's bed to get to him. He slipped into bed beside Harry, making Louis' side press against Harry's own before Zayn wrapped his arms around him and innocently pressed a kiss to Harry's lips. "Jesus Zayn, how high are you?"

Harry felt a hand on his thigh then, just borderline under his crotch with nails sharply digging into him. Harry knew it wasn't Zayn, Zayn was too much of a softie. He looked at Louis, eyes wide, but Louis just shook his head and placed a hand over his own lips, signalling Harry to keep quiet. Zayn pecked Harry lips again, softer.

"Well then." Harry muttered to himself, and this was almost too much. Almost.

"I feel like when Zayn is high he's in love with all of us." Niall spoke, giggling quietly.

"Kissing is nice and there are four other people here who I love." Zayn muttered quietly, softly kissing the corner of Harry's mouth. "Also, since I'm doing this, Louis could I feel your ass?" Louis' hand squeezed Harry's thigh further as Zayn kissed him again, for longer this time. Harry's hand was suddenly grabbed and he felt Louis pull it towards himself before he was gripping something. Harry glanced over at Louis, who still had the blunt between his lips. Harry had a hold on Louis' ass. Harry was gripping Louis' ass. Holy shit. His mouth popped open, Zayn taking it as some sort of invite for a snog.

"What exactly is happening over there? I feel slightly left out." Harry heard Niall talk. "Zayn and Louis aren't even remotely gay."

"I don't know," Harry squeaked, suddenly aware of exactly what was happening. He was making out with Zayn and groping Louis. "What the fuck is wrong with our band?" Harry muttered against Zayn's lips. Louis shifted more into his side and blew smoke down his neck, Harry's lips opening further. One of Louis' thighs went between Harry's under the covers and Harry all but shuddered. Zayn pulled back, stroking down Harry's face.

"Liam, make out with me before Harry gets hard." Zayn moaned, getting out of Louis' bed as Harry laughed. Zayn pecked his lips lightly before attacking Liam, and seriously, when did this band get so gay? Niall whined loudly from Liam's bed and Harry didn't know when it happened, but suddenly Niall was in front of him too, kissing the side of his mouth. "I love you all." Zayn said loudly, a wet noise slipping through the room as he began kissing Liam again.

"This is fucked up on so many levels." Louis muttered but then his hand was on Harry's ass as Niall got more comfortable on Louis' bed. Somewhere down the line Niall and Harry started making out as Louis got more touchy, kissing Harry's neck when he thought nobody was looking.

Harry didn't know how they ended up like this, in many ways the five of them were all a little bit messed up from the fame and fortune that had been thrust upon them; they didn't know how to live that way at first. It turned out that being famous is not all that great, and comes with quite a few personal issues. It wasn't odd that they'd turn to each other for comfort, share a quick few pecks of reassurance between two mates when one wasn't feeling up for something they had to do, like god forbid, a scheduled public outing with a model. Because the music couldn't speak for itself, no, they did publicity stunts too.

So it wasn't surprising, but, well they were practically sharing each other. Four fifths of the band claiming they were straight when Louis liked Harry groping him (and the two mistakes of sex that Harry couldn't forget), Niall and Zayn were both great kissers when kissing Harry and Harry was sixty percent sure he'd just heard Liam moan. In all honesty, Harry was sure they were a few more spliffs away from an orgy.

This was probably the exact reason they shouldn't tour so often, because loneliness doesn't go away and lips are lips; no matter who they're attached to. Harry pulled away from Niall's lips at his own thought, letting Niall rest his head against Harry's chest and close his eyes. Harry then tried to pull away from the lips on his neck, to no avail.

Suddenly, Louis' kisses turned all too sweet, pressing into his jugular, his collar bones, his jawline, his hair, it seemed relentless and Harry had his eyes closed because it felt a little like body worship, and _that_ was nice. Louis pulled the blanket over them a bit more, shifted himself just a little and Harry was wondering why until- _oh_. His thigh was grinding right up against Harry's junk, Louis having to angle himself so that Niall's fake sleep wouldn't be so rudely interrupted.

"Lou," Harry whispered brokenly. "We- I can't-"

Louis shushed him, pressing his lips back to Harry's neck and biting lightly. Harry let out a quiet sigh. Louis' mouth kissed all the way up to his ear, a small hand coming up to brush Harry's hair behind his ears before he began to whisper.

"You want to go back to your room, Harry?" Louis didn't really give him the chance to decline nor accept the offer when his kisses were given out again, all over Harry's chest where his shirt was conveniently being pulled lower and lower. Harry cursed himself for briefly wondering- just a quick flash of a thought- if his lack of breasts bothered Louis. He self consciously covered himself up, slowly and subtly. "I really fucking need something right now." Louis' voice was next to his ear again. "Could make you feel so goddamn good, Hazza."

"Lou." Harry mumbled, one weak last protest as Louis' lips continued assaulting him with both kisses and dirty words.

Louis' smirk said it all. He had him hook, like and sinker.

They slipped out of the room and when they'd had sex, Louis went back downstairs, leaving Harry to clean himself up. Harry hadn't, he'd just fallen asleep, hoping that the door had automatically locked behind Louis but not really finding it within himself to care. His last thought of the night was about McDonalds because he had a serious case of the munchies.

When he woke up however, Harry put on a brave face, went down to have breakfast with the boys and didn't bother trying to make eye contact with Louis; because he knew the drill now. Harry looked around his band mates though, all slightly more awkward than usual and wondered how they'd got here, how they'd all fucked themselves up so badly because of some dumb TV talent show. When the boys finally did start talking about it over their breakfasts, making it into a joke because they were good like that, Harry and Louis didn't input much.

Harry was ninety percent certain that the boys figured out everything about he and Louis that morning and that they were too polite, or maybe too scared, to bring it up. Louis and Harry not speaking for the next three months certainly got them certain looks from the boys and the other ten percent shortly followed. The boys had figured it out.

**f o u r**

Louis had a girlfriend. The fact that he missed his girlfriend was not Harry's fault, even if Louis was only snappy towards him.

"Look mate, I know you miss El, but you need to chill." Zayn told Louis, biting into a piece of his own personal pizza, because Niall had ordered one for each for them, and chewing as he stared at Louis. "Harry's done nothing wrong." Harry sent Zayn a grateful smile, avoiding looking at Louis all together.

"He's just annoying as f-" Harry's phone blaring cut Louis' hurtful words off, Zayn glaring and getting ready to defend Harry's honor like usual. Harry beamed, jumping from one end of the couch to the other and grabbing his mobile. He practically lit up as he looked at the screen.

"Hey!" He yelled upon answering, his voice goofy. He didn't see Louis wince, but he saw Zayn glaring at the boy. "It's been ages." Harry listened to the female voice excitedly talking back to him, saying she was always so busy from touring and didn't have much time to talk. Jade Thirlwall had been friends with Harry since Zayn had started dating her band mate Perrie, and they took it upon themselves to have phone conversations every month or so, just to catch up. Harry loved her to bits. "Let me just go somewhere we can talk in private- I have so much to tell you, oh my god!" Harrry toned it down as he stood up, skipping away from Louis and Zayn who were probably wondering who was getting Harry so excited. "I've missed you." Harry told her fondly before walking into the bathroom and closing the door behind himself. He sat on the closed toilet lid and they began to chat. Jade was probably the only person outside of One Direction that knew how much Harry had messed up with Louis.

Outside of the bathroom, Zayn put his half empty pizza box on his lap and elevated his feet onto their coffee table, turning to the TV. "Who was that?" Louis asked, looking at the closed bathroom door before staring back at Zayn.

"I don't know." Zayn shrugged, not taking his eyes away from the TV. Suddenly, he looked at Louis, who was still staring at the bathroom door with a frown on his face. "I don't care what you do, to be honest, Lou, but stop being a dick to Harry. We've all been through some shit together, shit happens, yeah? But you're going to push him out of the band at this rate. He's so unhappy sometimes, Lou."

Louis hesitated before glaring at his band mate. "You don't know shit, Zayn-"

"Maybe I don't!" Zayn yelled suddenly. "It's pissing us all off because something is going on here and this band isn't going to be a band for much longer if we keep doing shit like this!" Liam and Niall had both rushed into the room during Zayn's yelling, unknowing of what to do because Zayn rarely lost his cool. Zayn was the one who'd go along with anything. They'd only heard Zayn yell once before and that was because he was having relationship problems with Perrie and Niall and Louis had made a joke of it. "All of us aren't bringing it up because we're scared of your fucking reaction but you've done something with him, maybe once or more and I have no fucking idea what, and it's messed with his head, so take some fucking responsibility and stop taking it out on Harry because boo hoo, you miss your bitch of a girlfriend-"

"Zayn." Liam warned quietly.

"No, he needs a reality check!" Zayn yelled back to Liam, staring Louis dead in the eyes. Louis kept his face blank and it just egged him on further. Zayn took a few deep breaths, opened his mouth to speak but suddenly a door was opening and Harry stepped out of the bathroom, a small smile on his face and his phone in his hand. He looked at the group, his dimples disappearing as his smile dropped of his face.

"What's going on?" Harry asked quietly, looking between Liam and Niall and then Zayn and Louis. His knuckles were starting to go white because of the grip on his phone. "Zayn?" Harry asked again, just a little louder.

"I- I think I'm done." Zayn stuttered, eyes slightly watering. "Who am I even kidding, I don't want to do this anymore." The boys were stunned into silence, Harry's mouth dropping open and the other three wondering if he was serious or if Zayn was just making something up on the spot. Zayn's tears were real though. "We've been doing this for four or more years, and I've only enjoyed one of them. That isn't how I want to live my life."

"Zayn." Harry said quietly, breaking the silence that had occurred. His voice wavered and Zayn caught eye contact with him. Zayn didn't want to hurt or upset Harry, they stuck together like glue, Zayn being like a big brother to the younger boy.

"I'm sorry, but- fuck, I can't keep- I don't even like it. I never get to see my fiancee, I never get to go home, I'm barely even friends with some of you now. I'm sick of... this whole thing. I didn't ask for this and honestly, I don't want it anymore."

"Look if this is because of me-" Louis quietly cut in. Zayn shook his head.

"It's been on my mind for a while. I'm leaving guys, I love you all, I do, and I'm so glad I met the four of you but I feel like I've messed up my life doing this. I need out before its too late. You could carry on as a four, I don't know, but I'm done."

Later that night, Zayn had been making some calls and had decided that he couldn't really last until the end of tour. He would spend another month with the boys, and then on March twenty-fifth, Zayn would announce it and he would have left One Direction. It was two am, Harry was still awake and stunned into a numb silence before his curtain was pulled back as the bus went over a speed bump, the person cursed as they fell and Harry immediately recognized Louis' voice. Wordlessly, Louis climbed into Harry's bed unknowing that he was awake, wrapped the taller boys arms around him and pulled the curtain shut again. Harry pulled him closer, sniffling.

"I didn't know you were awake." His voice was hoarse and Harry could definitely relate. They'd all cried because they'd been a five piece band for almost five years, and in one short month, one of their puzzles pieces would be missing. Louis turned, wrapping his own arms around Harry and pressing their foreheads together, breathing out deeply. Louis kissed him then, softly and lightly, letting Harry decide for himself what the move would be. When Harry didn't kiss nor pull away, Louis quietly spoke. "Please just give me a distraction before I break down."

Harry didn't think about Louis missing Eleanor, he didn't think about his phone call with Jade where they'd planned to meet up when they were both in the UK, he didn't think about Zayn, his best friend and rock for years, leaving his every day life, unaware when tour schedules would let them see each other again. He didn't think about any of that, because he needed to be distracted too, he really did. For once, he could understand where Louis was coming from. So they had sex. They didn't talk during like they usually would, they didn't try to piss each other off or make the other feel like shit, Louis didn't even say a word, Harry only letting out quiet little grunts. Louis didn't kiss him again, just kept his face tucked into Harry's curls. When they were done, Louis pulled out and didn't bother moving any further, he pulled the blanket over them both properly again and didn't say a word. Harry would've thought he was asleep, had he not felt the dripping of tears landing on his neck. Harry didn't bring it up, and stayed completely still until he feel asleep.

When he awoke again, Louis had left his bed and Harry was alone again and so he finally let his thoughts catch up to him. Zayn's words drifted through his mind, one sentence sticking out of all of them.

_I need out before its too late._

**f i v e**

The whole band had been on pins since Zayn left. Anybody could've gone with him. They were all ready for it, they just didn't talk about it. It was another long travel day for the tour, and then they'd be arriving at a hotel at three in the morning to finally get some long needed sleep and a day off. They all sat around in the front of the bus, music quietly playing in the background from the charts and Liam looking at all the boys one by one. They needed to talk, badly.

"I have a bottle of vodka in my bunk?" Niall half suggested. Liam clicked his fingers, pointing at Niall with a smile who then stood up and ran to the back of the bus, coming back with four shot glasses and an extra large bottle of foreign vodka. God knows which country he'd picked that up from. He set a shot glass down in front of each of the boys, pouring the vodka in them all before sitting down again. They all picked up their glasses and threw the shot back, Niall filling them up again.

Harry suddenly scrunched his face up, setting the glass back down. "Shit, that's strong." He whispered to himself, Liam glancing at him but not saying anything. The glasses were filled again, and another shot went down.

"Let's talk then. We've got the new album coming out in a few days-" Louis' groan cut Liam off. He glared before continuing. "I think instead of planning a tour for the album we should take a break or something. Spend some time away from each other."

None of them disagreed.

"We'll come back to this though?" Niall asked, pouring yet another round of shots. Liam nodded, looking at Louis and then Harry in turn. Louis shrugged, nodding too. "Haz?" Niall asked.

Harry looked down at his lap. He'd been having doubts. Before Zayn had broken it off with Perrie they were still in contact a lot, and Harry could see his viewpoint. Zayn was having a blast, writing his own solo album and getting ready to release a new song that Harry had already heard and knew the fans would love. He'd thought of all the possible outcomes, and even if he lost all the fans, he'd be upset, but he'd go back to a semi normal life and get over it.

Leaving the band seemed like a good option.

"You wanna leave, don't you?" Liam asked, and they were all looking at him now. Harry picked up the shot of strong vodka from the table, already feeling slightly woozy, and threw it back.

"I- I think so, yeah." Harry admitted, not looking any of them in the eye. "I just feel so...alone in this whole thing, I don't know, I miss Zayn." They all understood what he meant, Zayn and Harry had been the closest in the band, Harry barely talked to the other three, Louis was closer with Liam and Niall. The band was in half and now Harry was alone. "It's not just that though, since we started, you guys have been seen as the sweet, dedicated ones and I'm like... The asshole whore who just wants attention." Harry still wouldn't look up. "People hate me anyway, I just don't see why I'm doing this."

"Oh Harry." Liam said quietly, not denying it either. The fans loved Harry and Harry loved them in return, but everyone knew, you could look at one newspaper or article with the name Harry Styles in it, and he'll be a womanizer, or he'll have been seen hanging out with a few people and its rumored he's dating several of them. Harry can't get away from it, people have caught on that he likes sex.

They continued to drink, and the drunker they got on the strong vodka, the more sociable they were with each other, the more Niall began to open up about his fears and the band ending completely, the more Harry got comfortable. They all began to move around, and Harry found himself crawling back to Louis, just like old times, and putting himself between the older boys legs, lying with his back to Louis' chest as he continued animatedly talking to Liam and Niall. Eventually, Louis got drunk enough to be comfortable too, and started playing with Harry's hair, running his fingers through it and sometimes pulling.

Niall mirrored him on Liam and Harry told himself that it made his situation with Louis normal, except Niall and Liam were friends, Niall probably didn't have Liam's half hard cock pressing against his back, Niall's breathing probably wasn't shallowing and Niall most definitely didn't have a hot tongue against the back of his neck. Harry still looked at Niall and Liam, in the same position as them platonically, and told himself that all friends found themselves in this situation. He didn't think about the times Louis had used him for sex and disappeared after it had happened; not just from the bed, but from Harry's everyday life too. Harry should've thought about it, but he didn't.

He could see Niall's expression more clearly now, as he turned slightly to talk to them at a better angle. He felt Louis shuffle down a little behind him and he thought maybe the boy was just getting comfortable, but then the line of Louis' clothed dick was pressing against his lower back, just shy of his ass. Harry focused his attention on Niall. He was looking worriedly at them, trying to hide his expression that showed his concern and Harry wondered; _is he worried for me? Or Louis?_ Liam asked Harry about his plans for the break and Niall's expression went neutral as Harry began to ramble.

"Pay attention to me." Louis moaned from behind him, pressing his hips more into Harry. Harry pushed his bum back ever so slightly, Niall still watching them both and narrowing his eyes. Harry smiled as Liam continued to talk about spending time with his family in the break, and then Harry turned his head ever so slightly. He almost choked on the air around as he took in the sight of a desperate Louis, hot body pressing up against him and a pained looked on his face as he tried not to grind, or just dry hump or something. Harry quickly turned back, eyes focusing back to Liam and Niall to see them both curiously watching him with confused eyes and fake smiles. Zayn would've understood, is all Harry can think bitterly. Zayn wouldn't have judged me for not moving away from him.

"He's really drunk." Harry muttered dejectedly to them, because they might think they understand what's happening before their eyes, but they don't. Harry knows Louis, all his little tricks and mind games, and he just knows Louis. His tone must've had a certain 'ignore the whole situation' air about it, as they boys just turned up the music a little and poured more shots, pushing two across the table and letting Harry pick them up. Harry brought his own to his lips, tilting his head back and taking it in one, and then turning, holding Louis' glass to his bitten lips, and letting the boy drink it from him before putting the glass back on the table.

"Thanks, baby." Louis replied quietly, squeezing his own body closer to Harry's. Harry froze up, jerking his eyes away from Liam mid conversation and locking them onto the TV. He felt wetness on his neck again, Louis' stubble tickling it as he left mark and mark and Harry fell back into conversation with both Liam and Niall, both of them watching Harry detach himself from his emotions completely as Louis sucked and bit at his neck, kissing his all over and shoving his hands up Harry's shirt, grabbing places they couldn't see.

Niall made eye contact with Harry again as Liam spoke, the concerned frown on his face again. Harry took his expression for judgement, nervously biting his lip and letting his eyes flutter so he didn't get upset. He didn't look at Niall after that, and soon enough, Niall got the hint and went to the bunks, Liam soon following behind him and giving Harry a strange look that Harry probably wouldn't be able to decode sober. Harry took a deep breath when he realized Niall and Liam had locked themselves in the room with the bunks, probably to get away from Harry being, well a little bit of a whore. He turned in Louis' arms and immediately Louis thrived from the attention, clinging to Harry and pressing the fronts of their bodies together.

"I love you Haz," Louis spoke quietly and Harry froze up again, feeling painful tears cloud his eyes. "I wanna make love to you."

"You're drunk."

"I love you so much." Louis let out a hiccup before nuzzling his nose into Harry's neck. "You smell so good." He spoke in a breathy tone. Harry brought a hand up and quickly wiped a tear from his eye, not wanting Louis to see it. "Will you let me make love to you?"

Harry told himself it was the alcohol in his own body that let Louis take his clothes off right there on the sofa, he told himself that having no strings attached sex with Louis couldn't get to him anymore, he told himself he didn't care that Liam and Niall could here exactly what they were doing, but no matter how many times he told himself, the words still lingered in the back of his mind as Louis slowly fucked into him, holding close like a china doll and stroking down his cheek, wiping away Harry's tears when they fell with a worried look on his face.

_I love you so much._

Louis locked two of their hands together, twining their fingers and whispering sweet nothings into Harry's ear as they continued to _make love._ That was the only way Harry could describe it because he'd never had anyone be this sweet with him during sex, he'd never have some focusing on making him feel good with slow precise movements as they stroke his hair and tell him how fucking perfect he is, and how they wished he was resistible, but he just isn't.

Harry let himself forget, just for a little while, that Louis had hurt him all those times before. He imagined a world where they were married, and the kids were asleep at Liam's so they could have the night together for romance and love. He imagined Louis making him breakfast in the morning, and kissing his cheek, telling Harry to have a good day and that they'd make dinner together when he got home. He imagined a perfect life and he let himself live the lie as Louis' made his thighs shake when he put their lips together. He imagined Louis telling him how perfect he was on their wedding day instead of on a ratty couch where they held band meetings as the bus continued to drive to their next location. He imagined himself a whole different life, and he let go thinking about it, and when he came back down to earth, with Louis pulling out of him with a tired smile on his face and a loving look in his eyes, he realized that imagining would be the death of him.

"I love you." Louis whispered again and Harry bit his lip, his eyes immediately welling up to the brim and ready to burst. He held down his sobs and forced back his tears.

"I love you too," Harry whispered before biting his lip again. Louis snuggled into him as he pulled his clothes back on and watched Harry do the same, and then Louis was falling asleep with a drunken smile on his face, and as soon as his breathing was even, Harry broke down. "I love you even if you don't mean it when you say it to me."

And Harry's sobs echoed through the bus no matter how hard he tried to hide them.

He woke up the next morning on the couch, aching and alone. One of Liam's jumpers had been thrown over him and there was a sticky note stuck to a glass of warm water, Liam's messy hand writing saying: ' _Didn't want to wake you, we're at the hotel, your room key is with me._ ' Harry ran a hand through his hair and sniffled, turning and immediately seeing the space there, the imprint where Louis' body was pressed against his own. He stared at the empty space, remembering the night before rushing back to him, and then he got up, drank the glass of water and made himself presentable.

There were fans outside of the hotel and Harry took his sweet time greeting them and letting them hug him, lighting up when they told him that they loved him and he repeated the words back to them. He wondered if they'd love him when they realized what a mess he really was, what his life had really become. When he'd had too many hugs and his cheeks were beginning to hurt from smiling, he let the security guard lead him away from the crowded area and to the lobby of the hotel, where other security guards let him in and then held back the fans. He wondered what room Liam was in, and walked over to the front desk, asking the elder lady sat behind a computer screen with glasses perched on her nose.

"Who's asking?" She asked, glancing up before typing something onto the computer.

"Harry Styles." She nodded in recognition and told him the room number, and then she told him his own room number. Harry quickly thought that if he hadn't actually been himself, someone could've easily got their rooms, and with a little bit of persuasion, probably a spare key. He pushed the thought to the back of his mind as he walked to the elevator, waving and fake smiling to the fans who were pressed against the windows facing him. He got to their floor quite quickly and pressed his knuckles against the door, preparing himself because the other three boys usually shared a room and gave Harry his own, even though they were supposed to go half and half and he just needed to be prepared. He needed to be _away_. He quickly knocked twice, rapid and told himself that if the didn't answer within fifteen seconds he would just go back to the bus and forget he even had a hotel room.

It was thrown open when Harry had counted to thirteen, and Harry put the fakest easy smile on his face, acting nonchalant. Louis and Niall looked up from their beds, Liam at the door and smiling at Harry in a way that was supposed to be pitying. He didn't need pity.

Harry held his hand out expectantly and Liam raised an eyebrow, slowly rising his hand and putting it into Harry's outstretched one. A real smile blossomed on Harry's face then, his cheeks dimpling.

"Room key." Harry explained and Liam ripped his hand away, a blush lighting up his cheeks as he cleared his throat and stumbled a few steps back, putting the hand that was holding Harry's in the pocket of his sweatpants. Liam walked back into the room and Harry leant against the door, glancing at Niall and then Louis in turn. Niall was staring at him, calculating and Louis had a small smile on his face as he scrolled through something on his phone. Harry gulped and looked away before his emotions grabbed hold of him. His phone started blaring from his pocket and Harry coaxed his jean pocket into releasing it before pressing ignore and shoving the phone away again. When he looked back up, Louis was staring at him. He looked down as soon as Harry looked up, focusing on his phone again. 

His mouth was pouring out words before he could think about them. "Not acknowledging me, then?" His tone was polite and airy, but Niall started to cough hysterically, and Liam clumsily dropped the keys in his hand halfway to the door. He scrambled to pick them up as Niall patted his chest. Louis didn't even look up from his phone. After a few seconds, Louis nervously glanced at Niall and Liam in turn, probably because they knew his dirty little secret now. Louis Tomlinson has sex with Harry Styles and pretends he doesn't, even with Harry himself. "Typical." Harry muttered under his breath. "Not even typical, its just routine with you, isn't it, Lou?"

Harry started to get desperate for a reaction, didn't even stop when Liam gently pressed against his chest to try and push him away to defuse the situation. It didn't need defusing. 

"You'd think if u wanted to hide your attraction to men so badly, you'd avoid sleeping with them-"

"Harry." The word cut through the atmosphere, Niall scowling at Harry for a change. Three against one was unfair.

"You think that's fair?" Harry asked Niall. "Three against one?" Niall shut up then, and Liam's hand even fell from his chest. Louis still didn't look up. "It's truth anyway, isn't it, Lou? Dirty little secrets and all that, may as well drag them out with the boys here. It's not like you hide it well." 

When Louis did finally look up, his eyes were dead and his expression was under full security. Louis gently put his phone down on the bed, face down, and scooted so he faced Harry on his bed. The dead eyes were already haunting him. 

"What do you want me to say, Harry?-- I'm sorry you're in love with me?" Harry's eye flickered, and Liam put his hand backon Harry's chest again. The touch felt more soothing that Harry was willing to admit. Harry didn't mention that Louis had said it first last night, he wouldn't need to because obviously Louis would remember. Besides. 

"No. That would make it your fault. Who I'm in love with is on me." 

"Sorry... that you chose to fall in love with me?" 

"Don't fucking mock me, Louis!" Harry broke, yelling. Louis at least looked taken aback before composing himself again. Liam's finger nails starting to dig into Harry's stomach. Harry wondered whether Liam was trying to soothe him or trying to hold him back. "I want you to say sorry about fucking with my head, and mean it! Fuck, I want you to say sorry for continuing this when you knew how much the first rejection fucking destroyed me! I want a sorry for- I want a sorry for pretending you didn't know that I'd never slept with anyone else that first time and convincing me that we had something... Coming back was on me, I get that, but starting this, this whole thing could've just been avoided if you didn't want a quick shag with someone who wasn't willing to give one; starting this was on you. I want a sorry for that." Louis went silent. "I don't expect one, because you don't give a shit about my feelings, but it'd be nice if after all these years you could just... just fucking say sorry _once_ and mean it. To put my mind at rest." 

Louis picked up his phone, and started to scroll on it again. 

"Lou." Niall said quietly in disbelief. When Louis did nothing, Harry snatched the keys out of Liam's hand and stormed to his own room before slamming the door and completely trashing it out of anger. Harry didn't know that Liam was listening to him cry and smash everything from behind the closed door, ear pressed against the surface and holding back tears himself, because how could it be this bad? How could they have done this to their lives in less than 5 years? How could something as insignificant as fame do this to teenagers who had their whole lives ahead of them. 

Three days later, Harry Styles announced his leave from the international biggest boy band One Direction, and immediately flew to LA to stay with Zayn. One Direction broke up within the week and fans were heartbroken and wanted a reason.

Harry deleted his twitter account, changed his phone number and posted a picture of One Direction on X Factor in their early days. He put the caption as 'I may have seemed happy, but I was not entirely. I hope you support me in whatever direction I choose to take my life in next. All the love. H.'

Niall became a manager at a golfing firm, Liam tried going solo, but his solo career only lasted a short few months as he found he didn't enjoy it as much and then he became a judge on BBC's The Voice and seemed happy enough. Zayn's solo career went big, and fast and it was strong. Harry toured with him a few times, but just as a friend. He didn't get close to anyone else in the industry, and when he was offered a contact to go solo for a few years, he immediately declined it. He got his A-Levels online and then started up a small business to make smaller bands and artists more known, which quickly blew up too despite Harry always staying behind the scenes. Harry didn't google Louis, he had no idea what Louis was doing, where he was or even how he was, but he didn't mind that. 

Two years after leaving One Direction, Harry posted the picture of himself with Josh from high school on his instagram after obtaining Josh's permission. He posted the caption 'I CAN'T CHANGE 1/2' and then another picture straight after, of him with Nick Grimshaw, doing the exact same pose. Nick, despite only being a booty call when he was younger and a lot stupider, became a serious relationship option. The caption read, 'I CAN'T CHANGE 2/2' and then Harry clicked off instagram and didn't open up the app again for several months. 

He wasn't great, but he was happier. 

 


End file.
